my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
