At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
