I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
