Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Someone shit on the floor
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
