There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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