Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
