God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
