sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
