I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize