i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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