just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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