do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
