so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
