Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
