I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
