highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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