the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
