if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i out mim tonsoeep
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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