I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
