so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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