whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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