I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize