when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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