I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
