At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
