my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
