oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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