Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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