I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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