I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Say something about gay babies.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
