Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize