Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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