I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Sorry about my life...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
