Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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