Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
