The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I think I have vodka in my lungs
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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