My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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