Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
