dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
