got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize