Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
