I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
