stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize