she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
