I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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