Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize