I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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