But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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