Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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