There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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