does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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