I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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