Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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