My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
