rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
