I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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