as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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