Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
