I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
