One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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